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Resident Evil 8’s giant woman has put the entire internet in horny jail

Look, 2020 was a long year. Two weeks in and 2021 has already felt even longer. I get it. But at this point, the unhinged id of the internet has come to bear on Resident Evil 8‘s newly-revealed giant woman, and it’s honestly too much to deal with right now. I’m about to be your own personal doge, bonking you with a comedy bat to send you directly to horny jail. (Do not pass go, do not collect 200 pieces of fan art.)

The giant woman – Capcom has yet to reveal her name – appeared earlier today in a brief teaser trailer ahead of next week’s Resident Evil 8 gameplay reveal. She’s got a striking look, and I don’t mean that in a euphemistically horny way. She’s got a retro fashion sense, a big hat, bright lipstick, and a broad smile, all of which seems entirely anachronistic with modern Resident Evil sensibilities.

She appears to command a cadre of vampires, so she’s almost certainly a villain, and all that charm is just meant to make the horrible things she’ll do appear even worse. Also, she’s giant. Did I mention she’s giant? You might not have noticed if you just watched the trailer once – I sure didn’t – but she towers over everything of reasonable human height.

And, well, once the internet realised we had a giant woman situation on our hands, it was all over.

All. Over.

You can get a free avatar of her on PlayStation right now, and the folks at ResetEra are sure excited about it. They’re calling her Tall Mommy Goth Vampire.

It’s just… It’s just.

Like, I get it. I contributed the Horndog Award for Outstanding Achievements in Thirst Trapping for the PCGamesN Awards 2020, in which I talked a lot about Dionysus’s abs and Megaera’s whip. We just don’t have to do this every single time, folks.

I know in a few months I’m going to get an email from PornHub’s PR division asking if I want the stats on Resident Evil giant woman videos, and the answer is no. No, I do not. (Like, I may say yes, but the actual answer in my heart is no.)

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Anyway, sex games. Horror games. Resident Evil 8 release date. These are the sorts of links I have to provide so my editors will allow me to rant at you for being too horny. *bonk!*